March 19, 2007
The Personal Development Field and the Empathy Deficit
In the course of my personal development journey on the Net, I’ve read many blogs and websites by other PD writers. They kinda, well, piss me off sometimes. A lot. With great force. Don’t get me wrong- I respect people’s viewpoints, and many times their advice is excellent. However, what they end up missing is the human factor. Many times, these gurus lack simple compassion and empathy.
On the Steve Pavlina boards, there are many PD writers, life coaches, and other professionals that post. It’s excellent; I highly recommend that you take a look at what’s going on over there. Many times, their thoughts and advice are on-point, thought-provoking, and honest.
A recent incident, however, made me stop and wonder where things went wrong.
I posted a long message in the forums titled “Needing Some Kind Words”. I was going through a tough bout of depression at the time. After a while, though, it occurred to me and several other people that there was a lack of comfort and kindness going on in the replies. It was as if the respondents were stuck in “professional optimist” mode. The tone was one of chiding and blame, with a bit of smugness thrown in. It hurt, and wasn’t what I needed or wanted at the time. It obviously made a huge impact if it affected my view of PD as a whole!
Anyone who has studied depression in any capacity knows that sufferers need kindness and love while during an attack. Blame and shame are a bad, bad idea, especially when someone is clinically depressed. Depression isn’t anyone’s fault, and, while a sufferer can do things to slowly alleviate their negative feelings, it takes time to get to an emotional level where things don’t seem hopeless or futile. Therefore, what is needed in order to make the person feel better is love- no, NOT the tough kind. Many times, a few words of support and encouragement are what is called for.
If we, as PD practitioners, cannot even take the time to learn about mental illness symptoms and how to communicate positively to a sufferer, then what are we here for?
What happened was an inability to relate on a wholly human level to the rawness of someone else’s pain and vulnerability. I find that this is common in PD. There seems to be an emphasis on just being happy! all the time, and that is a tendency that kills the credibility of many a PDer, novice or not. The disconnect that stems from misunderstanding and sheer empathy- the ability to silence the self and just exist in someone else’s space without exerting your own ego- can render a writer or counselor completely inaccessible.
In the personal development field, it is so vital that there be transparency between the counselor and the practitioner. In offering value to humanity in the form of constructive advice, PDers are set with the task of extending the whole self in order to let the student pick what pieces apply to them. In other words, it’s not about you. Full stop. Truly helping out isn’t an opportunity to project angst, frustration, or judgment calls on someone else. Being extended the chance to assist in a supportive manner is an honor paid to the deserving teacher. In that deal, we enter a sacred trust to inform without prejudice, and to sometimes stay silent.
One of the things that is so painful and ignominious about the human experience is that we’re messy. We are needy at different times, to differing degrees. That vulnerability is there to create opportunities to link to others and create something greater than the individual. This wonderful state of sharing cannot be maintained in a realm of right and wrong, I-know-best. The PD field has to keep its heart and soul fresh and flexible in order to be of use to the world at large.
compassion, empathy, kindness, listening skills, personal development, Steve Pavlina, therapy tough loveTrackback uri
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3 Comments »
March 21, 2007
Bob :
I saw your blog on depression. I actually read an article on yahoo, I believe, about a new website called hotornot.com or something like that. They interviewed a woman from North Jersey named Jeanette Ponder and I googled the name and found you. Very shallow, I know, but if it is you, I was very interested in understanding what you thought of yourself compared to some hormonally needy men.
Anyway, when I got to your site, I was very interested in your topic and felt bad for you that you go through it. I recently caught up with an ex who told me she went through it for years and our breakup made it worse. She is happily married now but takes medication. The truth is I have gone through it as well and it seems like forever. I can never seem to be happy but I refuse to take drugs for it. I fight. I talk myself into thinking differently all the time and, in fact, talk myself into ignoring my thoughts on most occassions.
The one thing I am finding that does help is to figure out what all your stresses are in life and find what you need for yourself at the core. In other words, I struggled working for years. My wife, who I wish would just leave, wants nice things all the time. We spend all our time buying and searching for crap and it means nothing. Think about the last time you bought a new car for instance. Maybe you had to have it. It is all you could think of. So you bought it. 2 months later you are stuck with a payment and you notice alot of other cars you may like better. We get into chasing our tails for our entire life. For me, I got to know myself and where I want to be. I don’t want to kill myself in order to have things. for me my life is my kids. I want a decent home and decent car and no debt. The hard part is getting there but I know what will make me happy. I am 44 and I can tell you the most precious thing as you get older is free time. And believe me, time goes faster the older you get. For me I feel like age 28 was yesterday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah there is a chemical imbalance too but I am confident that peace of mind has alot to do with that imbalance. The more stress, the worse it is.
I hope you will write back if you get the chance. Send a pic also so I can rate you and let you know if you are an 8 or higher. Just kidding.
From what I can see here, you are a very intelligent woman who is also mature beyond her years. I look forward to hearing from you.
Bob
March 22, 2007
isiskalislushlife :
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment
I wish you all the best…it sounds like you’re going through a tough time right now.
Thoughts on myself vs. the hopping hormones: I think I’m a great catch, but it’s the whole package that is, not just the face! I think there’s hormonally needy, and then there’s someone who’s looking for an ego boost, not true love. I think these guys on this site are sooo in love with themselves that they can’t love someone else. One of their members has written some comments on the “Loathsome Dating Redux” article, and I think that he pretty much says it all.
Depression: I’m better than I was, most definitely, because I’ve been very upfront with myself as far as triggers and things go. You’re right in that finding out those stressors relieves a lot of pain and suffering. You’re also right that the imbalance just feeds the pain in a viscious cycle that truly requires therapy (and meds, if you choose) to deal with it.
The last: LOL, there’s a pic in my “About” page now. Thank you for the compliments. I just call them as I see them, and hope that it means something to others that read it, too!
April 4, 2007
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